Getting out of my (own) way
“A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon arriving.”
Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, chapter 27 (Stephen Mitchell’s version)
Let’s be honest with each other. Most of us already know what we need to do. The garage I keep meaning to organize, the appointment I keep putting off, and the new workout routine I plan to start on Monday. Knowing is easy. Doing is where it gets hard. But why is it hard? What is holding me back? In my experience it can be all kinds of things: fear, exhaustion, other priorities keep pushing it back, or it’s the belief I have to get it perfect first. Regardless of the underlying reason for any specific inaction, the root of all of my troubles is the same. Me.
You will never get perfect conditions. The weather won’t clear on schedule, your calendar won’t empty itself, and if you live in Dripping Springs, TX, the left lane of 290 will almost never be clear when you need it to be. The biggest gift I ever received was the belief the world was not happening to me, and I had no control over it anyway. You may be saying “Duh, obviously,” but if you found your way to my site, and you’ve gotten far enough to read this, then I’m guessing you’re in the same place I was when I realized my life felt out of control because I was trying to control every outcome. Or at least I had an expectation all outcomes would play out the way I intended them to. Once I believed that, not realized it, not knew it, but believed it, I could begin a different way of interacting with the world. And this, my friends, is far more peaceful, I can assure you.
Traffic used to really set me off. I was the a-hole hot-rodding back and forth between the lanes only to wind up sitting at the next red light with all the cars I had just passed. I had an excuse for that, of course, which was, and tell me if this sounds familiar: “Even though I’m sitting here at the light with you all, I would have made it through, but too many of you are driving in the left lane and I can’t get past like I’m supposed to be able to!” This may be technically true, but it sure didn’t justify my behavior. It also made me anxious and angry, and I carried those feelings around with me all day. It impacted my behavior in a variety of situations, and all for what? I finally decided it just wasn’t worth it. As someone who’s spent the last 15 years doing behavioral research for companies across gaming, software development, and health insurance, I figured some simple observations and experiments might help me sort this out. By the way, if you ever witnessed me exhibiting this behavior, then I truly apologize. I’m working on it. I can’t control the way people drive. I can control my emotional response to how they drive, and in doing so, drive in peace.
A few months back I started listening to podcasts. Things like Huberman Lab, 10% Happier with Dan Harris, Better in Person with Stephen Dubner, shows that were educational, inspiring, or enlightening in some way while I was commuting back and forth to my various appointments. I began to notice I was driving slower. I was generally staying in the right lane and moving with the flow of traffic, instead of fighting to get through it. I was not thinking about getting to my destination anymore. I was thinking about the content of the podcast. I was present. I was focused on the journey. I was unknowingly practicing mindfulness.
Mindfulness is “tuning into” what is happening right now instead of getting caught up in future worries or past regrets. I was allowing myself to focus and consider the content of the podcast vs. the future arrival to my destination or the myriad of things I could not take care of while I was in the car. The next time you find yourself caught in traffic, with expectations on how it should bend to your needs, try throwing on a podcast and see if you can release your intentness on your eventual arrival and instead be present in the moment. Let me know how it goes!
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”
Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth